Emergence is a term sometimes used to describe the process
that many people experience when they ‘find’ either themselves or the lifestyle
of BDSM. In many cases this begins when the individual is in their late 20′s
(for some women), mid 30′s (for most men and women), to late 40′s (for
virtually everyone else). Often people become exposed to D/s after the breakup
of a long term relationship, a divorce or during a ‘mid-life crisis’. The
Internet has become one of the largest sources of D/s initiation in it’s very
short lifetime. Regardless of the actual trigger some things seem to remain
fairly consistent in a majority of the newcomer’s experiences.
Emergence is the emerging from vanilla into the BDSM lifestyle,
something like emerging from a cocoon. This is a process that takes years. It
has been my experience that there are several phases that seem to be consistent
during this emerging process. At the onset many people are uncertain ‘where’
they might fall in this new world and they may have conflicting fantasies which
in essence tell them merely that ‘things’ in this lifestyle seem to address
images, fantasies, thoughts, hopes and dreams which have lingered just below
the surface of the individual’s life sometimes for many, many years. Often if
they have discovered this lifestyle through the online rooms they find
themselves ‘pressed’ to choose an orientation. Too often the individual jumps
at what they think they might be. Choosing this role helps them fit it. They
find they can learn the lingo, talk the talk fairly quickly and be accepted.
There are several problems with an introduction into the
BDSM world in this way. One of the most significant is the case of the new
telling the new what to do. This is the blind leading the blind. The cyber BDSM
world online is composed of several different types of people. There are those
who are cyber only – and find the Internet a way to have a safe quasi-BDSM
experience interactively, with total anonymity and safety. There are those who
are not BDSM at all but what the community call vanilla kink, these tend to be
people looking for quick, easy, cheap sexual contacts and affairs with that
‘edge’ of kinky that they cannot find in their vanilla life. There are those seeking
to prey upon the new and innocent by promoting themselves as something they are
not. These can be sociopaths who enjoy injuring and even killing people, they
are beginning to use the Internet successfully as a hunting ground. Then we
have people who are real life BDSM who also enjoy making friends and contacts
on the Internet for it is truly an excellent resource and way to connect. For
an emergent or newcomer D/s person this becomes a very dangerous and tangled
web.
Sorting out what is real from what is false can require
experiences that are painful, ugly and even dangerous. People have raced to
stick ‘labels’ on people in order to classify them. This is just as flawed as
the newcomer leaping to ‘become’ something before they have any real comprehension
of what that is. An emergent Dominant may go through a phase of desiring to
submit. This is a completely honest and real feeling that can cause that
potential Dominant to mislabel themselves as a submissive or switch. An
emergent submissive may find themselves with serious combative feelings after
the commencement of a relationship with a Dominant. These combative actions can
appear very Dominant and lead that submissive into emotions of confusion and
distress. Expectations that the individual (regardless of their orientation)
can quickly ‘become’ Dominant or submissive are flawed.
The individual should consider the process one of evolution
and change. It is impossible to fully embrace either side without tasting the
other side to at least some degree. In addition since many newcomers are just
emerging from marriages they tend to have a need or desire to avoid settling
into another relationship quickly. In a new Dominant they may see this panorama
of opportunity. Willing submissives everywhere. For many new Dominant’s there
is a stage in the first 2 years of emergence where they go through a feeding
frenzy. Often taking on several submissives at once and actively resisting
efforts to commit to any one person. Some try to create stables or houses of
‘servers’. For those who translate this into a real life arena they often
discover that ‘managing’ many people is quite difficult. Not only are their
skills only marginally developed but often the people they select are newcomers
as well who have not ‘embraced’ themselves fully. In addition a vast percentage
of new Dominant’s fail to take active steps to educate themselves in the real
life BDSM world prior to assuming a Dominant role and engaging the attentions
of one or more submissives in the cyber community.
The same can be said for many submissives though in general
I find that more submissives actively educate themselves than Dominants. At
least in the beginning. Many people will make a contact and engage in a cyber
relationship which fairly quickly progresses into a real life meeting. For a
new Dominant this is a terrifying thing, they have no experience in what is
really safe or not safe, how to act, behave or respond. Some attempt to bluff
their way through by selecting a submissive who is just as much of a BDSM
virgin as they are. Again this is the blind leading the blind. This new
Dominant if they have not become active in the local community may adopt or
pattern their behavior upon what they have noted in the online cyber community
rooms. This can be absolutely disastrous as many of the role playing rituals so
common online simply do not work in real life.
A new submissive may make the same mistake. I have had
several submissives tell me they are trained – then I discover that this
training was exclusively on-line, not in real life. Please note that you can
become educated online, you can engage in private scenes that can be meaningful
and challenging for you but you cannot experience tactile reality without being
physically with another person.
It becomes especially dangerous when the submissive creates
fabrications of safety based on ‘how wonderful’ this online Dominant is. Many
feel it is unseemly to question someone too closely and can even feel that such
questioning may appear to be a lack of trust. Many newcomer submissives are
afraid to attend local events alone, fearing they will be pounced upon by
lurking Dominants. Because of this they may develop a skewed understanding of
the real life community. There are numerous safe ways to attend events and
demonstrations that do not require for either a new Dominant OR submissive to
be attached. Many real life BDSM people will voluntarily and willingly host
newcomers and invite them to attend events as part of a ‘group’ of people so
that they will feel more comfortable. Investigating these options is something
a new Dominant and submissive should actively do as soon as possible when they
recognize D/s traits inside of themselves. They should also consider joining
one of the older well established BDSM organizations and read the literature
provided by that organization.
In the 3-5 years after initial emergence the Dominant will
generally slow down from their initial frenzied state. Previous habits will
often begin to be dropped. Many of these are long term vanilla habits of
interrelating. This takes time and hard work. It requires accepting difficult
aspects of the inner self and an acknowledgment of the levels of personal
responsibility that are necessary in actively living in a BDSM relationship.
Many people in this stage will form longer term consistent relationships though
seldom will they successfully transition to a full time relationship at this
point. This is where many Dominant’s learn how to be honest, often for the
first time in their life. They tend to learn that honesty is no longer optional
but necessary. They also may begin to become intolerant of deceit,
machinations, and all kinds of underhanded antics. In the later stages of this
phase the Dominant will often begin to consider seeking out one special person
to share their life with. Some will seek two, though the success of poly
relationships are statistically much worse than mono relationships.
A submissive will endure some of the same experiences in the
3-5 year range. Often they will become quite discriminating on whom they will
interact with. Many become locally active in community organizations and
volunteer to help other newer submissives in their learning processes. A large
percentage of submissives will spend a portion of these years exploring their
Dominant side fully, either as a switch, a Top or as a full out Dominant. They
will learn to become more honest and truthful in expressing their needs both to
themselves and to others. Often they will seek to become more centered and
healthy. In the later stages of the 5-7 year period the experienced submissive
will often reach a stage of peaceful acceptance of themselves. Their desire to
be combative will have faded during the processes of removing the habits they
had developed from childhood. It is at this point that they find they can reach
out perhaps for the first time to offer themselves fully and without fear as a
true submissive.
It has been my experience that for a vast majority of people
the first contact with the BDSM community to the point of peacefully embracing
their inner self is a process that takes about 7 years. For some this is much
shorter and for some this never fully occurs. Many people DO find that they
have lived with D/s in its vanilla form for the majority of their lives and the
transition for them can occur much faster! There are no rights and wrongs to
the process itself although education will help reduce the risks and bad
experiences. There is no rush to ‘be’ anything and no right or wrong to either
orientation. In the end you will find that you will continue to change and grow
long beyond the initial stages. What is natural will eventually be the
strongest and in that you will find your true self. Try not to obsess on the
lifestyle, keep other interests and hobbies open and active. Being well rounded
is mentally healthy and allows you to make better choices.
Written by F.R.R. Mallory – also known as Mistress Steel.
This article may be excerpted from Extreme Space, The Domination and Submission
Handbook, Safe, Sane and Consensual, Dangerous Choices or other books by F.R.R.
Mallory
